Nertcha

Ik ben heel goed in geheimen bewaren. Iedereen kan zijn geheimen bij mij kwijt, want ik houd het ook echt voor me. Dat moest toen ook van die buurman. Het was ons geheim, ik mocht er met niemand over praten. Er wordt altijd tegen kinderen gezegd dat ze niet met een vreemde mee moeten gaan. Ik zeg juist tegen mijn zoon dat ook vrienden iets kunnen doen. Want in de meeste gevallen worden dit soort dingen gedaan door een bekende.

Only later did I realize that it was not right. Then I went completely off track. I then lived with my father, because my parents got divorced. Since he was always passed out on the couch, I thought I could do anything. So it was all fun and games for me. I was already using narcotics when I was 14. I find it incomprehensible that you miss that as a parent.

Ik had toen wel meer gedragsveranderingen. Ik was heel rebels en kwam daardoor veel met justitie in aanraking. Dan moest ik weer voorkomen en kreeg ik een taakstraf. Ik werd gezien als een ontspoord probleemkind. Maar met de wetenschap van nu zou je je misschien kunnen afvragen wat er met me aan de hand was. Echt contact, dat iemand aan me vroeg hoe het met me was en waarom ik zo deed, heb ik wel gemist in de vroegere jaren. Ik denk dat als daar wat meer aandacht voor was geweest het heel anders had kunnen lopen.

It didn't come out until much later. I first talked to someone about it when I was 20 and when I became a mother it came up again. I was overwhelmed with emotions and realized how vulnerable a child is. I wondered how and if I could offer my child a safe childhood

Recently it also emerged during my training to become a social psychiatric nurse.
Part of this education are peer review meetings. Then you tell more about your actions and your behavior. And especially where that comes from. At first I froze. We were all in a circle and everyone started talking about their trauma and I didn't want that at all. I wanted to flee. But the teacher pushed through that every time. Until one day I threw it out and told what I have been through.

I have never actually had any therapy. I did get stuck in life a few times. That I was out for a while. Then I also reverted to old behavior. I started drinking again so that I didn't have to feel anything.
I now deal with myself in a healthier way. I exercise and I work a lot. Perhaps working that man also has a function. Then I have less time to think. I occasionally want to close myself. Then I don't want people around me and want to be in my own bubble.

You don't have to use a lot of words to be there for me. You can also do that in silence. Sometimes it is nice to be held for a while.

I still find it difficult. I will not just bring it up on my own. I can even seem a bit distant because I have built a certain wall around me. It seems to be slowly crumbling because I tell more about who I am and what I have been through. Sometimes it also explains my behavior. For example, if I have a strong opinion about men. That you know where that comes from.

I have now learned that you do not have to stand alone and that you can also give it a voice. It also shaped me into who I am now, so the story can be there too.

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