Tessel

Ik zat toen niet lekker in m’n vel. Dus ik vond samenwonen eigenlijk de ideale manier om voor al mijn problemen weg te rennen. Ik liet hem bij mij wonen totdat hij iets gevonden zou hebben. Het geweld begon al vrij snel en na een tijdje durfde ik ook niet meer te vragen wanneer hij wegging en of hij al iets nieuws had gevonden. Als degene die jou zou moeten liefhebben de hele tijd tegen je zegt dat je lelijk en dom bent, dan ga je dat op een gegeven moment ook geloven. Ik ben een keer mishandeld in een overvolle metro. Op dat moment had ik het wel heel erg fijn gevonden en gewaardeerd als iemand zich om me had bekommerd. Misschien was ik dan wel wat meer geneigd geweest om hulp te zoeken. Want nu was het uitblijven van hulp ook nog een bevestiging van de ideeën die ik had. Dat het mijn eigen schuld was en ik het zelf moest regelen en dat niemand iets om me gaf. Ik denk dat dat me uiteindelijk nog langer stil heeft gehouden.

Because I also found it very difficult to accept that I was being abused. I thought I was a fraud. Because I was quite feminist back then and behaved myself that way. A strong woman on the outside, but getting beaten up by your friend at home. When I think back to that period, it seems like I turned my brain off. As if I was no longer present. I didn't even know then that I could speak of domestic violence. Because officially we didn't live together and I was still very young. But of course your age says nothing about the seriousness of the violence you experience.

During that period I was very little outside and saw my friends and family less and less. Until at one point I had endured so much violence and aggression that I felt that I had nothing more to lose. And at that point it didn't matter to me anymore. So then I literally pushed him out the door. With all the power that I miraculously managed to conjure up from somewhere.

The day after, I lit scented candles and incense. I did some shopping, cooked for myself and put on some music. That was a very nice evening. But the period after that I was extra scared and it was very bad for me. The most intense thing to experience is that constant fear and the constant threat of violence and anger. That makes you very paranoid. I walked on my toes all the time during the relationship and just felt really uncomfortable. A few months ago I thought all the time that I saw him walking, but that was not the case at all. But that fear remains in your body for a long time, even though the danger is actually long gone. That is something that took a long time to unlearn.

Now I write a lot about it and I am also speaking up about it publicly. I actually find that easier than talking about it with the people I love. For example, when I talk to my mom about it, I see that it hurts her a lot. And I find that very difficult. Not only because I find it difficult to see that my mother is in pain, but also because at that moment I have to bear my own pain and my mother's pain. And that is sometimes just too heavy.

I think that intimate partner violence is related to perception and that it is a product of sexism in society. The conservative and outdated images we have of masculinity and femininity are, I think, the real cause of intimate partner violence. But yes, of course you cannot solve that problem in one day. I am doing my best, but it is still a very slow process.

I want the people who are victims now, to know that it's okay. Okay, in the sense that they don't have to be ashamed of it. It's not your fault. Being a victim is terrible. I don't want anyone to have that experience. But your life also goes on and you really don't have to suffer from a heavy stigma for the rest of your life.

I am proud and very happy that I now allow myself better, that I am really nice to myself. That with everyone I date or hang out with, I wonder if it makes me happy and if I am being treated the way I deserve. I think that's a really valuable lesson.

Partnergeweld komt niet alleen voor bij gesettelde stellen. Juist jonge mensen, nog onervaren in de liefde, zijn er kwetsbaar voor. In haar onlangs verschenen boek ‘Dat zou jij nooit toelaten’ doet Tessel niet alleen haar eigen verhaal, ze biedt ook de informatie die anderen nodig hebben om partnergeweld te voorkomen, herkennen en doorbreken.